An oldie but a goodie

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Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Stu said, “I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?”
Leroy replied, “I’m not sure, What was her maiden name?”

A little boy went up to his father and asked: “Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?”
The father replied. “Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine”

“Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,” the divorce Court Judge said, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week,” “That’s very fair, your honor,” the husband said. “And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself,”

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, “I don’t like the looks of your wife at all. “Me neither doc,” said the husband. “But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”

Two Reasons Why It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, “Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?”
The agent replies, “Just a minute..”
“Thank you,” the blonde says, and hangs up.

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
“How was he killed?” asked one detective.
“With a golf gun,” the other detective replied.
“A golf gun? What is a golf gun?”
“I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.”

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he’s ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, “How do you get into those pants?”
The young woman looks him over and replies, “Well, you could start by buying me a drink.”

Moe: “My wife got me to believe in religion.”
Joe: “Really?”
Moe: “Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in hell.”

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m O. K. but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice.
“What do you think?” I asked. “Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?”
“Better get a bikini,” he replied. “You’d never get it all in one

(I take no responsibility for the content of these jokes)

Site Search

You can now search my entire site using either Yahoo! or Google. In the right-hand column, in the search box, there are now two additional search options (“This Site via Yahoo!” and “This Site via Google”). The default search option is “This Site via Yahoo!” and I would recommend using this method to search my site. Google is apparently not indexing my site, so using the “This Site via Google” will probably yield no results (if Google starts indexing my site, I’ll post an update to let everyone know). BlogSearch also has some issues (older posts not showing up, dates are wrong, deleted posts are showing up, etc.), so the results you get using “This Site via BlogSearch” might not be that complete or accurate. The only issue with using “This Site via Yahoo!” to search my site is that it takes a little while from when I first make a new post for it to appear on those search results since Yahoo! is not constantly re-indexing my site. However, this is probbaly the best and most complete way to search my entire site.

From January 30th to February 5th (next week), you can ride NJTransit Bus, Rail, or Light Rail for free with a student ID and a free ride coupon…

STUDENTS: RIDE NJ TRANSIT FREE: January 30 through February 5

Read More…

There’s a survey you have to fill out (it’s really quick) to get the coupon, and you should probably fill it out, but if you don’t want to, I think this is a link to the coupon you need: Free Ride Coupon

Conan O’Brien, “Late Night with Conan O’Brien”: “The New York Mets announced that they are launching their own cable channel. So far there’s no word on what the Mets channel will air during October.”

Comedy writer Jim Barach on New York subways possibly gaining cell phone access: “Which means victims will now be able to call 911 without having to wait for the next stop.”

Tina Fey, “Saturday Night Live,” on the new Osama bin Laden tape: “A White House spokesman said they plan to check out the bin Laden tape in its entirety, but they’re too busy listening to your phone calls.”

David Letterman, “Late Show with David Letterman”: “At a press conference, President Bush admitted that he had not seen ‘Brokeback Mountain.’ However, he did express interest in drilling for oil there.”

Jon Stewart, “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart”: “The Ford Motor Co., an organization with a rich heritage extending back to the days of Henry Ford, has fallen on hard times, having lost $1.6 billion domestically in the last year alone. In short, losing money by the truckload. Sadly, the trucks carrying away the money — Chevys.”

Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: “Kraft announced they are coming out with a wide-mouth jar of mayonnaise. How fat and lazy have we become when we have to have a mayonnaise jar so wide that you can skip the utensil and just stick your head right in?”

Amy Poehler, “Saturday Night Live”: “In a speech, New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin said that New Orleans, when rebuilt, will be a ‘chocolate city.’ And he will be the delicious nut in the center.”

Try and read this:

CollegeHumor
The Onion – of course!
About.com – Political Humor
The Dilbert Blog
Welcome to the White House

Comedy writer Jake Novak: “The money train, a secret train that traveled New York City’s subway lines each night, collecting cash from station booths, was taken out of service this weekend. From now on, all the cash will be delivered directly from station booths to the transit union’s executive board.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray: The New York Jets have hired Eric Mangini as head coach. He likes the terms of his deal. His vacation always starts Jan. 1.”

David Letterman, “Late Show with David Letterman”: “Former Vice President Al Gore says that President Bush has repeatedly and insistently broken the law. Al issued this strongly worded statement into his microphone at Taco Bell.”

Jon Stewart, “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart”: “The Republican Party is still dealing with the fallout of the Jack Abramoff corruption scandal. The latest victim is Ohio congressman Bob Ney, who stepped down as House Administration Committee chairman this week while he’s under investigation. That chairmanship now goes to the next highest ranking republican, Representative Giant Pile of Jack Abramoff’s Money.”

Letterman on the 2006 Golden Globe Awards: “[It's] so long and so dull today Dick Cheney ordered a copy of it to torture detainees.”

I’m not quite sure why I’m wishing everyone a happy Friday the 13th. It’d probably be more appropriate to wish everyone a safe Friday the 13th! Anyway, it’s almost over, and so far it has been pretty uneventful for me. Anyone have any weird experiences today, or any Friday the 13th for that matter? Post them in the comments so we can all make fun of you…err…read about them